美國大學夏校申請文書專家指導攻略（二）

原創來源：

國際升學指導專家鄧寧、中國教育在線國際教育頻道主編趙剛

【編者按】通過十幾年從事國際升學指導的實踐積累，作者從數以千計的文書案例中摸索共性規律，找出中國學生在美國大學夏校或科研項目文書寫作方面存在的核心問題，並詳細記錄與學生的溝通過程、對文案的修改過程，爲國際升學指導教師和夏校申請學生提供深入淺出的案例分析和文書展示。高質量文書寫作需要從以下四個方面着手：對於文書題目的理解、對於適合文書的素材篩選、對於文書寫作的內容定位與思想定位、對於文書寫作語言風格與結構的設計。以下是攻略的第二部分，重點介紹“對於適合文書的素材篩選”、以及“對於文書寫作的內容定位”。

明確申請文書題目要求後，文書素材需要圍繞題目要求做進一步羅列和篩選。

（一）羅列是最常用的文書寫作“規定動作”。這方面的頭腦風暴很有幫助，多方面的素材常常是國際升學指導教師與學生之間的啓發式互動的產物，即使不完全符合某些題目的要求，也可以作爲素材儲備。

當然，有些素材是常規性的，適用於回答常規性問題，在理性層面很完整，起因、經過、結果都很清晰，這類羅列的指向“爲什麼參加夏校中的某個項目”等類型的問題。

還有些素材是非常規性的，以瞬間捕捉到的感受爲主，適合於開放式場景的個性鋪墊。

（二）素材篩選的邏輯性非常重要。首先是素材篩選有效回答問題的邏輯性。素材與結論之間的因果關係需要清晰、明確，否則很可能是邏輯錯誤。

其次是素材篩選與夏校申請審覈者背景匹配的邏輯性。大學招生官閱讀學生文書的時間有限，在1-2分鐘內看完一篇文書，首先把握的是文章主旨、邏輯及支持的事實證據。

以下面的問題爲例探討素材篩選環節的注意事項。

Is there any information not captured in the application that you would like to share with the Admissions Team? If so, please briefly add the information in the space below.

就這個問題，老師和學生討論可能的寫作素材時選擇了“愛問問題”作爲其補充的個性特徵。因爲很多偉大的科研創造都是從提出問題開始的，會提問恰好是科研工作者重要的素質，這點恰好支持了科研夏校申請的目標。

成功挖掘這個特點源於升學指導老師對學生的提問：“與學校很多優秀同學相比，你覺得自己與他們的最大區別是什麼？”學生特別自信地回答“提問”。學生認爲自己不僅是課堂上提問最多的學生，也是提出最好問題的學生。在一系列課內外提問的經歷中，有一個很突出：他曾在公開場合向一位國際知名心理學家提問，他的問題還被刊登在一份國際在線雜誌上。

學生按照上述思路做了一篇150字以內的小論文：

Unlike my silent peers in class, I seem to have tons of questions to raise in face of lecturers and professors. To be noted, what I have asked is just good questions. In Biology class, for instance, instead of asking “why”, I ask “how”. How G protein can slide freely in cell membrane was a good question, followed by a fierce debate with the rest of the class. The best question I have ever asked is to a well-known psychologist about the effects of role play in the social hierarchy, which tends to be solidified. The Q&A appeared top on the contents ofxx. Good questions lead to more research, and hence a deeper understanding the undiscovered world. For a question I raised, for example, I checked dozens of papers and academic websites to explain why electric synapses rarely appear in mammals. Insatiable curiosity keeps me exploring the unknown.

修改1：

原句是：Unlike my silent peers in class, I seem to have tons of questions to raise in face of lecturers and professors.

對比不夠鮮明，“我”的優勢沒能充分顯示。

顯然，“我”的同學課上不提問，而“我”的問題卻很多，給人一種“話癆”的印象，很難突出“愛問問題”的正面形象。

原句修改爲：Unlike my peers in class, I am the most recognizable student in the eyes of lecturers and professors, as they are impressed with my good questions.

對任課教師而言，“我”在班上的辨識度最高，因爲“我”的問題總是一針見血，很有見地。

修改2：

原句是：In Biology class, for instance, instead of asking “why”, I ask “how”.

提問的深度、境界不同，一般是“爲什麼—怎麼做—做什麼”（“why-how- what”）的不同層級。通常人們思維認知很容易辨識“做什麼”（what），而對於“爲什麼”（why）思考比較少，而讓人產生強大內驅力使命感的是“爲什麼”。

對比國內外課堂的提問水平，國內學生停留在“做什麼”（what）層級的比較普遍，因此將instead of asking “why”替換爲instead of asking “what”，這樣對比更鮮明。

修改3：

原句是：For a question I raised, for example, I checked dozens of papers and academic websites to explain why electric synapses rarely appear in mammals.

這句話的專業性過強，不符合“與夏校申請審覈者背景匹配的邏輯性”，建議刪掉。

下文是修改過的定稿：

Unlike my peers in class, I am the most recognizable student in the eyes of lecturers and professors, as they are impressed with my good questions. In Biology class, for example, instead of asking “what”, I ask “how”. How G protein can slide freely in cell membrane is a good question, followed by a fierce debate between me and the rest of the class. The best question I have ever asked was to an acclaimed psychologist Martyn Barrett about what a role-play could develop to face hierarchical solidification. The Q&A appeared on the newsletter ofxx, where Martyn argued that over 50% of human behaviors were nurtured rather than natured. I was inspired by his further conclusion that changes in social hierarchy were highly possible, assumed that people planned carefully for the changes. Good questions lead to a deeper understanding of the world. Insatiable curiosity keeps me exploring the unknown.

（一）文書寫作的內容定位。在上一個章節中，素材羅列是申請的重要基礎工作。

不過，問題也會隨之而來，素材羅列有時會干擾文書寫作的內容定位，主要原因是學生在文書寫作時容易進入習慣性思維的陷阱，將自己感興趣、印象深刻的素材先入爲主地作爲內容定位的前提。

這種情況最容易導致“跑題”——不顧題目要求的限定而將熟悉的素材直接轉化爲內容定位。

分析一下哈佛夏校列出的題目：What courses at Harvard Summer School interest you and why?

這個題目是常規性的“做什麼—爲什麼”（what-why）模式，其中隱含了對申請人的重要要求：申請人需要針對哈佛夏校科研課程列表做研究，找出自己感興趣的課程，認真閱讀課程描述（course description）。課程描述中明確標註了對申請人的能力要求，這些要求自然就是文書寫作內容定位的前提。

如果這個步驟缺失，很可能造成學生申請文書出現較大偏差。

下面是學生針對這個題目所做的初稿：

What interests me most at Harvard University is the course of Introduction to Research in Psychopathology. The reasoning behind will be discussed from two perspectives. On the one hand, starting from childhood, I was a silent kid and did not have many friends. Unlike my peers, I was used to observing people around me quietly and attentively. I was curious at relating their facial expression to their personalities. The relationship remained a mystery for me until senior high, when I chose Neuroscience and Psychology as my AP courses. I engaged in many online and offline investigations, seminars, and research accordingly. More importantly, I volunteered to probe into patients who suffered from mental disorder. The more such social work I am engaged, the more sympathy I have developed towards these patients. How to get engaged to help cure their diseases and alleviate their pain will be my objective in career. To achieve the goal, I have decided to apply degree courses in Neuroscience at Harvard University before I finish all the AP courses. It will be surreal to experience the on-campus program at Harvard, if my application could be accepted. On the other hand, the course designing seems exactly what I would like to do at the summer school. I won’t have difficulties in the fundamentals and research methodologies of Psychopathology, as required by the program. I have received similar cultivation in Neuroscience and Psychology in class. From my perspective, the most interesting part of the summer school will be engagement with both classic and contemporary studies in Psychopathology. I have never compared the two studies before, which will be valuable to my future research. Moreover, I cannot wait to see the development curve of Psychopathology research and evaluate critically methods and findings. Last but not least, I would be glad to engage in hands-on experience in group work. Previously in other programs, I played a wide range of roles in different teams. The summer school at Harvard will provide me a good opportunity to see if I have the potential to further study the Neuroscience-related course in this dream university.

從上文的表述能夠看出，學生認真閱讀了課程描述。不過，在內容定位方面，學生在針對課程描述的應答之外，又用了大量篇幅介紹自己的性格特徵。其實，性格特徵部分的內容與針對課程描述的應答之間存在一定程度的重複，造成結構臃腫，前後邏輯關係模糊、牽強。

經過這一輪指導後，學生提交了第二稿：

What interests me most at the Harvard Summer School 2024 is the course of Introduction to Research in Psychopathology. The course designing seems exactly what I would like to be engaged, especially psychopathological research, the cornerstone of the program. Unlike the AP courses of Neuroscience and Psychology I have been attending, the Psychopathology-related course at the Harvard Summer School is designed for students to gain an understanding of the hands-on research process rather than simply knowledge teaching. My curiosity at relating people’s facial expression to their personalities has turned to probing into patients, who suffer from mental disorder. The more such social work I am engaged, the more sympathy I have developed towards these patients. To my joy, the tutor of the summer program is Dr. Mayron Ribeiro, a psychopathologist with expertise in experimental research with clinical and non-clinical populations. If I am accepted by the program, it will be the first time ever for me to engage in experimental research and receive professional guidance accordingly. I am looking forward to developing a research question, hypotheses, methods, and data analysis, as required. Moreover, the course is expected to engage students with both classic and contemporary studies. I will be engaged in critically evaluating methods and findings in the domain of psychopathology research, an important part for me to explore from historical perspectives. Last but not least, the Harvard program will develop a group research proposal on a topic related to psychopathology. It will also be exciting to work in a group to conceptualize and plan a research study. Previously in other programs, I played a wide range of roles in different teams. Consequently, the summer school at Harvard will help me work like a psychopathologist, exploring and researching problems related to mental health: how to understand them, how to classify them, and how to fix them. The program will also provide me a good opportunity to study on campus at Harvard University.

這一稿的優點在於：首先，在結構上，以哈佛夏校課程描述爲基本架構，找出主要部分，圍繞實證研究的特點一一作答，清晰明瞭。其次，從行文內容看出，學生不僅研究了課程描述，還對科研項目的指導教師等細節做了深入研究。下面這句對指導教師的介紹加強了學生參與科研項目的目的性，強化了學生希望研究與臨牀實踐相結合的主觀願望。

To my joy, the tutor of the summer program is Dr. Mayron Ribeiro, a psychopathologist with expertise in experimental research with clinical and non-clinical populations.

不足之處在於：下面這一論點比較單薄，沒有相應定位更有力的內容，在“經典研究”（classic study）和“當代研究”（contemporary study）的異同方面缺乏深入瞭解和認知，需要進一步跟進研究。

Moreover, the course is expected to engage students with both classic and contemporary studies. I will be engaged in critically evaluating methods and findings in the domain of psychopathology research, an important part for me to explore from historical perspectives.

學生的第三稿（下文）解決了上述遺留問題，最重要的是，整個修改過程沿着正確的研究方向和認知方向摸索，在邏輯思維訓練、研究方法領會方面，爲學生的出國留學奠定堅實基礎。

What interests me most at the Harvard Summer School 2024 is the course of Introduction to Research in Psychopathology, especially its cornerstone part, i.e., psychopathological research. Unlike the AP courses of Neuroscience and Psychology I have been attending, the Psychopathology-related course at the Harvard Summer School is designed for students to gain an understanding of the hands-on research process rather than simply knowledge teaching. My curiosity at relating people’s facial expression to their personalities has turned to probing into patients, who suffer from mental disorder. The more such social work I am engaged, the more sympathy I have developed towards these patients. To my joy, the tutor of the summer program is Dr. Mayron Ribeiro, a psychopathologist with expertise in experimental research with clinical and non-clinical populations. If I am accepted by the program, it will be the first time ever for me to engage in experimental research and receive professional guidance accordingly. I am looking forward to developing a research question, hypotheses, methods, and data analysis, as required. Moreover, the course is expected to engage students with both classic and contemporary studies. Classic studies includefundamental research outcomes, such as Diathesis-Stress Model, a framework for understanding the development of psychological disorders. On the basis of classic studies, contemporary study applies more experimental designing to research in the domain of psychopathology. Last but not least, the Harvard program will make me excited to conceptualize and plan a research study related to psychopathology through teamwork, where I can apply a lot of teamwork skills that I have previously gained from other academic programs. Consequently, the summer school at Harvard will help me work like a psychopathologist, exploring and researching problems related to mental health: how to understand them, how to classify them, and how to fix them. The program will also provide me a good opportunity to study on campus at Harvard University.（未完待續）