美國大學夏校申請文書專家指導攻略（一）

原創來源：國際升學指導專家鄧寧、中國教育在線國際教育頻道主編趙剛

美國大學夏校或科研項目的申請文書看似不過是幾篇應答式的英文簡述或小論文，但在大多數情況下，這類小論文（essay）在申請過程中往往起到舉足輕重的作用。美國大學錄取是“綜合評估”（holistic review），大學不僅看學生的成績，更重要的是選擇一個適合學校的人。學生需要向大學展示“我是誰”（who am I）。申請文書是自我推介（self-advocacy）的重要組成部分，也是美國大學瞭解學生個性特徵，學術潛力，興趣與動機，能力和格局的第一步。

文書寫作對於中國學生有以下挑戰：

更習慣以第三人稱被動的高中學術寫作方式，而不習慣以第一人稱“我”的方式寫作，不習慣提供延展的思考觀點，不習慣深度反思的寫作，不習慣回答開放式的問題（沒有正確答案的問題），缺乏清晰、簡潔、有效表達鮮活經歷的能力，缺乏對美國文化價值觀的全面理解。

應對上述挑戰，學生在文書寫作時，首先要對自己的經歷進行梳理、拆解，找出人物故事脈絡。在此基礎上，高質量文書寫作需要從以下四個方面着手：對於文書題目的理解、對於適合文書的素材篩選、對於文書寫作的內容定位與思想定位、對於文書寫作語言風格與結構的設計。

本文以某公立學校國際部同學的美國夏校申請文書爲例，對上述寫作特點進行深入分析。

（一）鎖定、分析題目關鍵詞。在以Pioneer Academics[1]夏校的如下題目爲例，有哪些關鍵詞呢？

Please share up to 3 extracurricular activities in which you have participated that you feel are important for us to consider with your application, and describe why they are meaningful to you.

關鍵詞1：Extracurricular activities

“課外活動”限定了簡述涉及的活動範圍，與“課內活動”、“課上內容”相區別。

關鍵詞2：Important for us to consider with your application

“對於校方審覈夏校（或科研項目）申請很重要”——這一提示將上文“課外活動”又做了進一步限定，意味着“課外活動”體現符合參與夏校（或科研項目）所需能力。

這樣還需要延伸閱讀Pioneer Academics在官方微信公衆號上介紹的申請攻略中有關“錄取審覈要素”：學術興趣、學術綜合能力、寫作能力、成熟度、溝通能力、學術配置情況。也就是說，題目中規定的3篇簡述可以分別對應某一個“錄取審覈要素”。

關鍵詞3：Why they are meaningful to you

“爲什麼這些課外活動對申請者有意義”——這個關鍵詞圍繞課外活動對申請者產生的價值，包括活動對申請者的積極影響和改變，及申請做這個活動帶給其他人的價值。

關鍵詞4：字數上限

申請文書體例要求從75字到750字（英文字數）不等，不論字數多少，作爲申請者，都要盡最大努力做到緊扣主題、“字字珠璣”。

不能超過字數上限，否則在線申請的應答框無法顯示超出的英文文字和標點。

對300字以下的短文，從經驗看，爭取寫到規定字數的上限，才能充分達意。Pioneer Academics的這篇短文要求75字，需要儘量寫到上限體量。

結合上述審題要點，看看下面這個申請者簡述中的問題。

(1)Elite program selects about 350 best students around China and offers them one year to conduct research with best Chinese professors. (2)In the year, I've analyzed dozens of papers, overturned, and rewritten my experiments countless times and eventually helped refine the theory of ultraviolet-induced high GC content published on Science in 1970. (3)I became the top 15 students in China and represented Chinese students give speech with world top Physicists and mathematicians.

第1句僅僅是在描述項目，與主題關聯度低，需要刪除或與其他文字合併。

第2、3句話分別說明參加課外活動時做了哪些具體工作、從中得到了什麼，與主題和關鍵詞相關，但是對能力優勢表現得不夠突出。

簡述需要從不同角度證明申請人有能力完成夏校項目，而且過去的所有經歷都是在突顯申請人自己，而不是突出項目的重要性。

根據上述對題目和關鍵詞的深入理解與延伸分析，特別是“從自我語境出發”的落腳點，75字簡述中需要體現：

1）申請人自身優勢；

2）申請人曾經的科研活動的意義；

3）申請人曾經的科研活動對未來個人發展的影響。

下文是學生重新修改後的文字：

(1) With guidance of a PhD supervisor in The Elite Program in China, I took an initiative to refine the theory of ultraviolet-induced high GC content published onSciencein 1970. (2)During the year-long research, I applied Python to programming, analyzed piles of data from the NCBI, and testified the experimental results with the use of evolutionary theories. (3)My relentless efforts were paid off, when I was nominated top 15 out 350 senior high schoolers nationwide.

從中可以看出第1句以一個狀語形式（With guidance of a PhD supervisor in The Elite Program in China）將項目與學生的科研成果結合起來。

I took an initiative to的使用，突出了學生主動性，增強表述的力度。

第2句連續使用applied、analyzed、testified三個動詞強化學生在之前的科研項目中的科學態度、研究方法。

第3句與原文相似，說明獲獎情況，但句子表達更爲明確、有力，對獲獎情況用數字對比描寫更突出取得優秀結果的高度選拔性。

（二）審題後決定行文風格。哈佛大學夏校（Harvard Summer School）的申請文書中有這樣一題：

If you had a free weekend during the academic year, how would you spend it and why?

題目看似與申請夏校或科研項目無關，有別於常規式的與科研項目有關的“閉環式”簡述、小論文，更像是要求學生自己隨意發揮的“故事會”。其實，這正是美國大學“以人爲核心”的理念，故意設置一個輕鬆、開放式的場景——free weekend（自由支配的週末），引導學生自由發揮，回答how和why的問題，敘述如何過週末、爲什麼這樣過，突出學生個性和人格力量，終極目標是回答大學最關心的“我是誰”（Who am I）這個核心。

下文是學生的初稿：

During my busy academic year, it will be a great relief for me to shoot a short film based on my short novel, if I have a free weekend. In my spare time, I wrote and published my first short storyxxxonxx, a global magazine in English, in November 2023. The story discussed a dramatic relationship between dystopia and tragic fate of dreamers. I was more than pleased to share my thinking with international readers. However, I soon came to realize that novel-writing seemed less efficient in dissemination and communication than movies. Amazingly the movie language could be more acceptable in reflecting what a novel was supposed to demonstrate. I had filming experience before when I led a team to make a short movie namedDepressionduring a neuroscience-oriented program. The film we made was surprisingly top-rated, which summarized what the team had learned so far in neuroscience, including the origin of depression, the symptoms of the disease, and treatment to cure it. Assumably in the free weekend, I would follow suit to team up again for the sake of the novel-based short film. Apparently, I will take the lead to develop script, while others are responsible for designing story board and placing camera. Movie-making skills are not only helpful to spread my short story, but also essential for my future career. As a member of the Chinese Psychiatrist Association (CPA), I raise the profile of neuroscience and psychology to the public along with the team. I have tried webinars, posters, and newsletters to attract attention of audience. In comparison, movies seem more popular and could be optional in profile-raising of neuroscience and psychology.

針對學生的文書，在進一步的指導中做如下梳理和點評：

週末將自己寫的小說拍電影，應該是極具想象空間和個性化的行文風格，而學生的初稿更像是“加強版的事件列表”，而且事件陳述邏輯跳脫，學生極力想展示自己的活動經歷，寫小說、拍抑鬱症的影片，由此證明自己對拍電影有興趣，並具備相關技能，且認可拍電影是自己開展心理相關活動的有效工具。顯然這些事不是在一個free weekend可以做完的，學生偏離了題目設定“free weekend”這個特定場景的特點。

換言之，事件羅列中看不到人的個性與力量。讀者僅看到學生做了什麼，看不到爲什麼做（why）、怎麼做（how）背後的邏輯和個人特質。這篇文書需要學生“藝術”地展示人文側面，而不是“科學”的工具側面。

哈佛夏校以及很多美國大學夏校都非常重視人的獨特性和個性成長，它們不需要千篇一律的“典型”學子，而是“非典型”、極具特色的個體。因此文書的修改從學生拍電影的動機入手，拍電影成爲學生理解世界、社會多面性的工具，特別是針對自己的性格特徵，解讀“爲什麼拍電影是自己與人溝通的最好一種方式”。

經過兩次修改後，學生的完稿有了明顯的進步和特色：

“Action. Cut. Michael, once again you need to be aware that your lines are what you are speaking to yourself. You need to respond as if you are interacting with others.” The sharp voice out of the walkie-talkie echoed in a movie studio. “Points taken, David. Let me rehearse one more time, will you?” Michael begged the director with an awkward smile on his face. “Sure. Take your time.” I was leading a team to shoot a film in a free weekend. Film shooting seemed as busy as most part of my academic year. But it was quite a thrill to make a short movie based on my own short novel. I believe in science, especially neuroscience. Unfortunately, however, science is not everything. The beauty of art is what science may not have achieved yet, as Steve Jobs considered calligraphy to be artistically subtle in a way that science cannot capture. In fact, every academic area is a combination of science and art. In my spare time, I wrote and published my first short story in Englishxxxonxx. It discusses a dystopia of human life, which is full of daydreams and absurdities. It is no easy to find beauty. It is even more difficult to make beauty. But the beauty I have found and made lies in Don Quixote-style bravery, a hopeless optimism of human beings. I attribute the finding and making to my personality. As an introvert, I have spent most of my time looking attentively at the world around me. My quietness has not prevented me from capturing beauties with sharp eyes, even in the seemingly dullness. This time I plan to make beauty with a camera. “Action.” I ordered again. Looking desperate, Michael looked straight into my eyes, and said, “Yeah, no birds. But I saw one. Not only one, they flew across the sky now and then.” I thumbed up to Michael. How to tell a story seems far beyond science. But rather it depends on how much we understand human nature, which is as important as science.

修改後的文書圍繞週末拍攝小電影展開，描述的拍攝過程鏡頭感、現場感很強，讓讀者身臨其境。特別突出了學生對“科學與藝術相結合”的認識，突出了學生在科學之外追求美的勇氣和執着。全篇落腳在“對人性的理解與對科學的理解同等重要”，在主題上是點睛之筆。（未完待續）

[1]註釋：Pioneer Academics（先鋒學術）是全球唯一具備頒發頂尖大學學分資質的高中生在線研究項目。